I am a screwup twenty years in the making.
Every now and then, I would like to believe that it is true, just for the sake of putting myself down, same effect as with rubbing the salt in the wound(?). I don't take pleasure in torturing myself mentally, neither do I have a psychological disorder that I'm aware of that could make me think this way. From an innocent kid's eye, I really am a screwup. I mean, what else do you call a 20-yr old undergraduate who gave up her school and her job for an unknown lifetime adventure? Aside from crazy, that is.
I just learned from one of my class that the term election, in terms of ethics, is the selection of the will to carry out your intentions. So, I "elected" not think of myself a screwup, no matter if I really am one or not.
...It's more of a vow. Like a pact with God. I just realized that it really takes great GREAT courage to admit that you are weak, that you are a coward, and that's what I did. I surrendered everything when I accepted God at exactly May 21st this year. I made a promise to just offer him my life, to let him take the wheel and drive (in accordance to a song). The daily struggles we, mere mortals, are facing are enough to keep us down, making us feel that the burden of the world is on our shoulders. And you know deep inside that there is only one way, one sure way, to calm the storms in our hearts. It's you choice if you're gonna listen to that small voice.
In one of the services I've attended before, it was once mentioned that God doesn't give second chances; instead he gives new beginnings. Funny because I don't feel like twenty at all. I feel like I just came out of the surface of an ocean, after a long time being under water. It is a new beginning, another glorious morning after a long, dark night. So, basically it's starting from scratch though this time, I'll make sure everything is right. Or rather, do it with the assurance that it's His will and He has plans for you. This time I won't be alone; I'll be walking in the light with Him.
(Posted: June 26, 2008)
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