Sunday, December 27, 2009

Hanging By A Thread

This is what God has been telling me today:
Me, hanging on a cliff by a mere thread, holding on for my dear life.
It doesn't really describe my state of mind right now, but God has been asking me what will it take for me to be that desperate for him, that I would seek him in every minute, every second of my life?

I conclude that I do not desire him as much as I should. I still go on seeking temporary pleasures, still chasing boys, still controlling the things around when I know shouldn't. I'm thinking out loud here, bear with me for a while. Yeah, I know, there must be more than this. Greater things, as they say, are yet to come.

Psalm 90:14 says,
"Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days."

All I'm saying is, I need to understand the degree of passion God has for his glory. And it tears me apart to think that I'm not capable of absorbing nor defining his greatness in my mind. There's so much to learn, to think about, to know about but the world is my enemy and I come undone before Jesus. He has been telling me, for the past few days, of how sacrifices will be a part of this journey - Christ-exalting sacrifices, that is. To pray for joy in his name is not exactly asking for comfort but finding peace in spite of grief and sorrow. In other words, this is something that I should be really, really, really serious about. Focus and time should be compromised. I'm not scared about what people will say or what I have got to lose in the process, I'm scared of what I will become in the end. I know I will not be me anymore once I took that step.

A few more days before the year ends. Would I still be hanging on to that cliff or would I let go?

Monday, December 21, 2009

...just because I don't trust myself that much when it comes to this.

Number 22: "Resolved, To endeavor to obtain for myself as much happiness, in the other world, as I possibly can, with all the power, might, vigor, and vehemence, yea violence, I am capable of, or can bring myself to exert, in any way that can be thought of."

Number 28: "Resolved, To study the Scriptures so steadily, constantly and freuently, so that I may find, and plainly perceive myself to grow in the knowledge of the same."

Number 6: "Resolved, To live with all my might, while I do live."
(70 Resolutions of John Edwards)

Well, apparently, it's time to take this commitment way more seriously. May God help me as I turn my eyes on him, away from the promises of this world.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Me And Clive Staples Lewis

"If i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that i fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared."

Fill This Cup With A Little Bit More

I'm overwhelmed by the sunshine. It ate me alive.

Agenda for today:

1. Haircut
2. Meditate on God's Word
3. Prayer items...

Today God has been telling me this: to stand firm in my faith because no one else will. I love Christmas again.

I just want to thank the heavens for a place that I can really call home. The morning sunshine, the wonderful (cold) weather, my slightly-dysfunctional family, and literally the birds and the bees made everything so special today. If it wasn't for His grace, I wouldn't have time and eyes to appreciate all these things.

Thank you, for even though I have intentionally delved into this journey, searching deeper into the longings of a woman's heart, Your promise remains greater than any promise that this world can offer. And that is my only refuge, the only thing I hold on to, now.

Thank you that you have given me compassion for the people I am with.
Thank you for this heart to love others.
Thank you for being my refuge at all times. I had no idea what it means till you came.
Thank you for telling me that greater things have yet to come. Thank you for exciting my heart.
Thank you for the friends and families. Your love overflows in them.
Thank you, just because Your will has been done in my life.

Truly enough, there is only one Prince to this princess.

Lewis Hine said, if I could tell the story in words, I wouldn’t need to lug around a camera. I just nod.

The promises of the world is not enough reason for me to let go of my faith...

...nor do I need it to tell me where to go. =)

What A Beautiful Mess

These are the days when Jason Mraz's songs are worth singing. When all you want to do is spend your time somewhere cozy, somewhere warm, somewhere you would feel safe. People are getting weird, frantic over the incoming holidays. The reunions, a chaos. But then again, love is all around. There's no denying it.

For two weeks, I have been stressing myself about a certain party, about a certain someone, and turkeys (don't ask why). As in kulang na lang gumapang ako towards the bed every time I get home.

So what did I learn from this experience? Nothing much, except from the simple yet crucial fact that I am just human and God is still God. Next to him, I am nothing. Apart from him, I can do nothing. Without him, I wouldn't have everything. That's why if I had to choose another name for myself, I would like it to be Grace, just so I can always remember his gift for me.

Grace. It changes everything.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Love For A Child

There's a picture on my kitchen wall
Looks like Jesus and his friends involved
There's a party getting started in the yard
There's a couple getting steamy in the car parked in the drive
Was I too young to see this with my eyes?

By the pool last night, apparently
The chemicals weren't mixed properly
You hit your head and then forgot your name
And then you woke up at the bottom by the drain
And now your altitude and memory's a shame

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I like to believe it was all about love for a child

And when the house was left in shambles
Who was there to handle all the broken bits of glass
Was it mom who put my dad out on his ass or the other way around
Well I'm far too old to care about that now

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child

It's kinda nice to work the floor since the divorce
I've been enjoying both my Christmases and my birthday cakes
And taking drugs and making love at far too young an age
And they never check to see my grades
What a fool I'd be to start complaining now

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I'd love to believe it's all about love for a child

It was all about love...

Time Flies and so do I

Friday, December 04, 2009

Mae, Just Let Go.

She's Got You High And You Don't Know It Yet Or Something Like That

Early December

"Noriter is Love."

First heard this on a Sunday morning radio show on Jam.
The perfect love song for me and him.

Between Me and You

The main art in the matter of spiritual living is to know how to handle yourself. You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself...You must turn on yourself, upbraid yourself, condemn yourself, exhort yourself, and say to yourself:"Hope thou in God" - instead of muttering in this depressed, unhappy way, and then you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and...what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do. Then having done that, end on this great note: defy yourself, and defy other people, and defy the devil and the whole world, and say with this man:"I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance, who is also the help of my countenance and my God."

Makes me want to scream Galatians 2:20.
John Piper, ladies and gentlemen, from his book 'When I don't desire God'.
Out of the book and straight to my bedroom wall.
I love you Jesus. =)

Sunday, November 29, 2009



I'm wondering what good stuff I did today to deserve such piece of uninterrupted pleasure.
Love served in a coffee cup! Too good to be true!

(Photos courtesy of Tumblr)

Sand Dunes and Tears

This is me. Tired, alone and thirsty.

"Sanctuary... is a word which here means a small, safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea."

Exactly what I need, an oasis in the middle of this desert. The heat, the thirst, the journey itself brought me to tears and down to my knees. It was the vision that I had today, for I know there's a good chance I will physically and emotionally fail.

Father, this is my cry. That I am not worthy, nor am I able to go on.
Forgive me if I continually fall. Let your light shine on me so I could remember what I am fighting for.

Now, this is what God did to the desert I found myself in.
In the midst of hopelessness, he revealed his beauty to me.
Me, his unworthy, filthy servant.

When it's all over, I'll finally fall down at your feet.
Finally it will all be over.
Everything will be all worth it.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

300 Love Letters

Look Ma, No Hands!

The Reason Why I Chase The World

I was around 8 or 9 years old that time when I first got hold of a RD copy. Unknowingly, the images of Mao Zedong and his 'principles' in effect changed my outlook in life. I had no idea then that an image or two can stir something in you.

Such is an example of what I saw then, but it was worse than this. They were shots unearthed after several decades of being hidden in the photographer's floorboard, I think. People wearing dune hats, ridiculed in crowds. Burning establishments. Painted faces labeled with shame. All for the cause of one insecure man. It was no holocaust, but the same horror is present in the black and white stills.

Browsing the web, I came upon pictures from Time magazine's website. Here are stills from the world I live in today. And someday, you will see it from my point of view as well. =D

Police standing guard are silhouetted behind a Communist party flag during a Maoist protest in front of the main secretariat Singha Durbar in Kathmandu, Nepal.

An Arabic translator blacks out selected images and news articles from a newspaper before detainees are permitted to read them inside the U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

A Muslim pilgrim prays near where the Hiraa cave is located, at the top of Noor Mountain on the outskirts of Mecca, Saudi Arabia. According to tradition, Islam's Prophet Mohammed received his first message to preach Islam while he was praying in the cave.

a policeman patrols the slum district of Petare in Caracas, Venezuela.

A Hamadryas baboon watches visitors in Slovakia's Bratislava Zoo.

A United Nations flack jacket and helmets lay on the floor inside a destroyed UN guest house in Kabul, after a attack by militants that killed five staff members and wounded nine.

A US Marine's personal effects sit on a bench at a base in Farah Province, southern Afghanistan.

The shadows of Palestinian children playing with balloons appear on a wall in the West Bank city of Ramallah.

Taiwanese pianist Chen Kuan-yu performs in the middle of a rice paddy in Chishang, Taiwan.
(Photos and captions: Time)

I'm Back in My 8-Year Old World

Dazed and Confused

I think I know where this is going.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


"Thank you for being my # 2 & showing me who # 1 needed to be. You told me to put God first. Everything else fell into place."

Sarah Meier to hubby (through Twitter).

That was sweet. Looking forward to "future".

Me. You. Us.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I Am a Hedonist by Christian Standards

John Piper discusses why we, as believers, need to 'fight for joy' (excerpts from the book):

- "One is this: It is not John Piper who commands us to rejoice in the Lord; God does. God elevates this experience of the heart to the level of command, not I. And he does so with blood earnestness. (Deuteronomy 28:47-48)...

- The second answer is that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. Therefore, to make pretensions about honoring him more, while not calling people to the most radical, soul-freeing satisfaction in God alone, is self-contradictory. It won't happen. God is glorified in his people by the way we experience him, not merely by the way we think about him...We do so most fully when we treasure him, desire him, delight in him so supremely that we let goods and kindred go and display his love to the poor and the lost.

- The third reason we should make much of joy and the pursuit of joy in God is that people do not awaken to how desperate their condition is until they measure their hearts by Christian Hedonism - or whatever you may call it. I have found for thirty years that preaching and teaching about God's demand that we delight in him more than in anything else breaks and humbles people, and makes them desperate for true conversion and true Christianity...Nothing shows the direction of the deep winds of the soul like the demand for radical, sin-destroying, Christ-exalting joy in God."

Isn't it amazing that all he wanted was for us to desire him with our whole being, for us to know that through this desire we can be freed and GLORIFY him at the same time? Journey with me as I munch over his words.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Let's See Where This Faith Can Take Me

For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men.
Status: Reiterating 21 Days of No Complaint (1 Pet 2:15)

I have 15 minutes to finish this entry. My mind is blank.

Let me just follow what Facebook has to say everyday:"What's on your mind?". Good question. What is on my mind? Aside from the usual stuff, my mind is foggy. There are still unanswered questions about me, God and everything else in between.

I'm currently reading John Piper's book, "When I Don't desire God" and I still can't get past the "Why I wrote this book" part, not because I don't have the time but because he fully grasps the idea of joy in God that I don't want to miss anything. This book made me examine my desires and my relationship with the God that I know. The question is, does the God I know is the same as his? And to answer this honestly I was brought to tears. In other words, I'm still in the process of letting go. It's freaking HARD!!! why, oh why, OH WHY ME???

Philippians desire is to depart and be with Christ... Psalm soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you... Psalm 17:15...when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness...

Exactly my state for the past couple of days.

"We kick ourselves that our cravings for lesser things compete with God as the satisfaction of our souls...This is a godly grief...It is helpful at this point to be reminded that our desires - no matter how small - have been awakened by the spiritual taste we once had of the presence of God. THE STRENGTH OF OUR DESIRE IS NOT THE MEASURE OF THE STRENGTH OF THE FINAL PLEASURE."

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Faithful I Should Be

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want

Outloved By God

Dear God,

I am defeated and unloving. Sorry, not because I am this way, but because I thought I never was.

I cry out to you becase I do not want to be the person I am today. I want to depart from this earth to be with you, in your kingdom where all is perfect, all is good. I do not want to travail the sinful path of this world for I know that I am weak This whole up-and-down experience with you is something that I cannot take anymore. I pray for consistency. If only I could isolate myself from all the things in this world, I would, Ijust to know that there won't be a chance for me to betray you.

It is only by your grace, by your body on the cross, by the blood that washed away my sin, that i am still standing.

I want to love you like they do. I want to love you like you love me and I can't. The sad part about today is that I found out that after everything I have done, I still do not desire you as much as I want to. That I don't ask for you more than I should. That I don't really care about what you want, when I should. And it pierces me hard. It grieves me that after all that I thought I am, I remain imperfect unworthy of your love. That I am still wrestling with you on the throne of my life. What's worse is that I am not aware that this is happening to me, that I am under the illusion that everything is ok. Sorry that I still seek love from other things that I still search for comfort from other people, that I still rely my wisdom on those who I think are more mature on their walk with you. Sorry that I do not fight for my desire for you and that I easily give in to the lies of this world. I am still undeserving, still unworthy.

Take away this pride, father, in me. Remind me minute by minute of who I am, of your promises and my purpose. Forgive me if I chose this world over a time with you. I desperately come to you to fill me once again with the Holy Spirit. Take this from my hands. Give me strength to continue this race. Make me understand the things I cannot. Create a new love in me. Teach me to be faithful in your name. Teach me how to outlove your people. Jesus, I die with you again. I know that when I wake from the dead, you will make me a changed person, empowered and controlled by your love and your love alone. Amen.

All for love a Father gave
For only love could make a way
All for love the heavens cried
For love was crucified

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
But still You forgive
If only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

Let me sing all for love
I will join the angel song
Ever holy is the Lord
King of Glory
King of all

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
But still You forgive
If only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You (x2)

All for a love a Saviour prayed
Abba Father have Your way
Though they know not what they do
Let the Cross draw man to You

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Not Just Another Non-profit Organization


Just got home from ATS Open Campus (which got me thinking about the future *wink*). Now I know that 'Heaven' and 'What's So Amazing About Grace' is crucial for my spiritual learning. Piper, Yancey and Lewis filled my mind for the past few nights, though a stack of unread books remains on top of my worktable.

Inevitable by Anberlin

(Photo courtesy of Flickr. Videos courtesy of YouTube.)

Monday, November 16, 2009

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Push My Daisies!

Ned. =)

The (Nameless) Hubby Project

I dare say, this is me in the next few years.

No, I haven't entered into a relationship yet, nor have I secretly appointed someone to be my groom in the next couple of years. It's more Believing in something you haven't seen (yet) but remains to be true.

Here's an excerpt from "Epic:The Story God is Telling..." by John Eldredge.


Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden. This king was like no other king. Every statesman trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents. And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden. How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist - no one dared resist him. Bout would she love him?

She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly? Would she be happy at his side? How could he know? If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing sibject. He wanted a lover.
(Soren Kierkegaard, The King and the Maiden)

"He wanted a lover. So the mighty king disguised himself as a beggar and went along to the maiden's door in the wood to win her heart.

It is a parable of the coming of Jesus of Nazareth.

God himself-the King of all creating-takes on human flesh and enters our Story as one of us. He sets aside his glory, clothes himself with humility, and sneaks into the enemy camp, under cover of night, to whisper words of love to his own: "I have come for you."
This is, after all, a love story."

And this has been my destiny all along:
"I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord, and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart. "
(Jeremiah 24:7)

Can you imagine this story, this fairy tale,
where Jesus is the Hero and you are the Beloved?

It's a "happily ever after", after all.

(Photo courtesy of Erron Ocampo)

Happy Happy Joy Joy

It wasn't just my first time today that I heard about apperture, white balance and exposure, but many things I learned today.

Oh, by the way, welcome to Purpose Driven Photographer Session 2, where everything is possible through your ImagineNation (shameless plugging).

What I did (or was forced to do) today:
1. Answer phone calls.
2. Book clients and make contracts.
3. Troubleshoot hardware.
4. Figure out how to use the coffeemaker.
5. Do all these things at the same time.

Note: I'm now officially a Canon-convert and a Leica Fan.

In the middle of delayed narrative reports and Facebook-ing, I was able to hear snippets of the speaker talking about the above-mentioned terminologies. Snippets of what seems to be information exclusive to pros. But I have faith that someday, someday, all these things I will learn by heart. And all these things will be my guide as I fulfill my prupose here on earth. Just thinking about passion makes me happy: to think about greater things yet to happen, well, it had me undone. God is good.

Open Doors, here I come! =)

The Purpose Driven Photographer.
(Photos courtesy of Flickr)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


“My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” (Hosea 4:6)

Honestly, I don't know how to start this entry. Last night I was just reading over my stuff and discovered Open Doors for the first time. A few months ago, I was able to attend Transform SEA rally. To be given that much information is overwhelming, to say the least, because knowing means involvement. You can't NOT be affected by it. After reading their publication (given by Queenie), I know why.

Open Doors. Serving Persecuted Christians Worldwide.

Want to be a part of Open Doors? Here's a good start: Pray for our country.
(Prayer Calendar November-December 2009)
  • Southern Philippines: Sama lay leader Henry (pseudonym) disciples a group of converts in Basilan. Pray for safety in his journeys, for God's anointing whenever he shares the Good News, and for the Spirit's guidance.
  • Southern Philippines: Most of the believers from the Sama tribe are impoverished due to a long history of neglect and oppresion. Praise God the Sama believers who are under Open Doors training are growing and reaping the fruits of their labors.

A short note...
Henry Varley, a British revivalist who had befriended the young American in Dublin, recalled that in 1873 Moody asked him to recount words they had spoken in private conversation a year earlier, just before Moody’s return to the United States. Varley provides this account (as recorded in Paul Gericke’s Crucial Experiences in the Life of D.L. Moody):

During the afternoon of the day of conference Mr. Moody asked me to join him in the vestry of the Baptist Church. We were alone, and he recalled the night’s meeting at Willow Park and our converse the following morning.

“Do you remember your words?” he said.

I replied, “I well remember our interview, but I do not recall any special utterance.”

“Don’t you remember saying, ‘Moody, the world has yet to see what God will do with a man fully consecrated to him?’ ”

“Not the actual sentence,” I replied.

“Ah,” said Mr. Moody, “those were the words sent to my soul, through you, from the Living God. As I crossed the wide Atlantic, the boards of the deck of the vessel were engraved with them, and when I reached Chicago, the very paving stones seemed marked with ‘Moody, the world has yet to see what God will do with a man fully consecrated to him.’ Under the power of those words I have come back to England, and I felt that I must not let more time pass until I let you know how God had used your words to my inmost soul.”

(Photos courtesy of Flickr)

Monday, November 09, 2009

The Moment We Let Go

A few nights ago, I cried while laughing. I didn't know that following God means losing your marbles.

The smell of shea butter is so familiar now: for me, it always means sleepovers. And sleepovers are equal to talking (talking until someone falls asleep). And talking, well, it reveals so much. Now I know that being vulnerable takes courage.

To come to a conclusion that you have to deny yourself, it's hard. The feeling is akin to dying or the pain of knowing that someone you love died. Hence the tears.


And now she dared me. How dare you dare me?

Psalm 119. The WHOLE Psalm 119.
So far I know these:
Happy are those whose lives are faultless, who live according to the law of the Lord.
Happy are those who follow His commands, who obey him with all their hearts.
They never do wrong, they walk in his ways.

Imitate me as I imitate Christ.
Now we're talking.

(Photos courtesy of Flickr)

Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Challenge


1. constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind.
Law. the degree of care and caution required by the circumstances of a person.
Obsolete. care; caution.

When I woke up today, I said to myself I don't want to dread going to training anymore. By faith, this continuous feeling of anxiety will stop. In return. I know that I have to do something on my part as well. So this is the challenge I had for myself: no checking of Facebook while working.

Did I last? You bet! Was it hard? Yes it is. But by grace I still stand.

I timed in at 10:12. Usually, the first thing I do is check FB for updates - well, I still did, only for 5 minutes. After that it was officially checking contracts and answering client calls. Stuff that I should have been doing without the distracting powers of the Internet. That was my purpose in that place. It was liberating, really. To know that you are doing the right thing gives you the assurance of peace. To know that I am capable of being controlled is a wonderful feeling. And to know that it is not me who masters my body, my soul, is sufficient for me.

Because I know in the end it is all worth it.

(Photos courtesy of Flickr)

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

His Name is Vincent

Today was terrible. Or rather, I was terrible.

I don't know what got into me today; what I know is that I wasn't feeling well - though not feeling bad enough to miss training. Sorry, God.

3 things I am worried about:

1. My student who will be taking his exam this Saturday.
For weeks I helped him review for it and this weekend is his make-or-break moment. And for weeks he has been in my journal, with all my strength I have been praying that he passes.

2. Struggling in my internship (lack of training most probably).
I don't want to make my not being a people-person as an excuse to fail. I can hear Robin Padilla now: "Wag kang aayaw! Tink pasitib!"

3. Filing candidacy for SC and other leadership issues. Evangelizing in school has been a vision God gave me, especially after LTI, but the lack of progress has been discouraging in a way.

Something in me says that these are all part of a bigger picture.
He loves me so much that he won't forsake me during trying times like this.


Sabi nga ni Kitchie,
"But the promise a man seeps through earth, grave and stone."

And one of His promises is this:
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Matthew 6:25-27

On a lighter note....
I saw this guy. And his name is Vincent. Wala lang. =)

(Photos courtesy of Flickr)