This is what God has been telling me today: Me, hanging on a cliff by a mere thread, holding on for my dear life. It doesn't really describe my state of mind right now, but God has been asking me what will it take for me to be that desperate for him, that I would seek him in every minute, every second of my life?
I conclude that I do not desire him as much as I should. I still go on seeking temporary pleasures, still chasing boys, still controlling the things around when I know shouldn't. I'm thinking out loud here, bear with me for a while. Yeah, I know, there must be more than this. Greater things, as they say, are yet to come.
Psalm 90:14 says, "Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days."
All I'm saying is, I need to understand the degree of passion God has for his glory. And it tears me apart to think that I'm not capable of absorbing nor defining his greatness in my mind. There's so much to learn, to think about, to know about but the world is my enemy and I come undone before Jesus. He has been telling me, for the past few days, of how sacrifices will be a part of this journey - Christ-exalting sacrifices, that is. To pray for joy in his name is not exactly asking for comfort but finding peace in spite of grief and sorrow. In other words, this is something that I should be really, really, really serious about. Focus and time should be compromised. I'm not scared about what people will say or what I have got to lose in the process, I'm scared of what I will become in the end. I know I will not be me anymore once I took that step.
A few more days before the year ends. Would I still be hanging on to that cliff or would I let go?
...just because I don't trust myself that much when it comes to this.
Number 22: "Resolved, To endeavor to obtain for myself as much happiness, in the other world, as I possibly can, with all the power, might, vigor, and vehemence, yea violence, I am capable of, or can bring myself to exert, in any way that can be thought of."
Number 28: "Resolved, To study the Scriptures so steadily, constantly and freuently, so that I may find, and plainly perceive myself to grow in the knowledge of the same."
Number 6: "Resolved, To live with all my might, while I do live." (70 Resolutions of John Edwards)
Well, apparently, it's time to take this commitment way more seriously. May God help me as I turn my eyes on him, away from the promises of this world.
"If i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here If the flesh that i fight is at best only light and momentary, then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared."
1. Haircut 2. Meditate on God's Word 3. Prayer items...
Today God has been telling me this: to stand firm in my faith because no one else will. I love Christmas again.
I just want to thank the heavens for a place that I can really call home. The morning sunshine, the wonderful (cold) weather, my slightly-dysfunctional family, and literally the birds and the bees made everything so special today. If it wasn't for His grace, I wouldn't have time and eyes to appreciate all these things.
Thank you, for even though I have intentionally delved into this journey, searching deeper into the longings of a woman's heart, Your promise remains greater than any promise that this world can offer. And that is my only refuge, the only thing I hold on to, now.
Thank you that you have given me compassion for the people I am with. Thank you for this heart to love others. Thank you for being my refuge at all times. I had no idea what it means till you came. Thank you for telling me that greater things have yet to come. Thank you for exciting my heart. Thank you for the friends and families. Your love overflows in them. Thank you, just because Your will has been done in my life.
Truly enough, there is only one Prince to this princess.
These are the days when Jason Mraz's songs are worth singing. When all you want to do is spend your time somewhere cozy, somewhere warm, somewhere you would feel safe. People are getting weird, frantic over the incoming holidays. The reunions, a chaos. But then again, love is all around. There's no denying it.
For two weeks, I have been stressing myself about a certain party, about a certain someone, and turkeys (don't ask why). As in kulang na lang gumapang ako towards the bed every time I get home.
So what did I learn from this experience? Nothing much, except from the simple yet crucial fact that I am just human and God is still God. Next to him, I am nothing. Apart from him, I can do nothing. Without him, I wouldn't have everything. That's why if I had to choose another name for myself, I would like it to be Grace, just so I can always remember his gift for me.
There's a picture on my kitchen wall Looks like Jesus and his friends involved There's a party getting started in the yard There's a couple getting steamy in the car parked in the drive Was I too young to see this with my eyes?
By the pool last night, apparently The chemicals weren't mixed properly You hit your head and then forgot your name And then you woke up at the bottom by the drain And now your altitude and memory's a shame
What about taking this empty cup and filling it up With a little bit more of innocence I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young It's okay to be easily ignored I like to believe it was all about love for a child
And when the house was left in shambles Who was there to handle all the broken bits of glass Was it mom who put my dad out on his ass or the other way around Well I'm far too old to care about that now
What about taking this empty cup and filling it up With a little bit more of innocence I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young It's okay to be easily ignored I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child
It's kinda nice to work the floor since the divorce I've been enjoying both my Christmases and my birthday cakes And taking drugs and making love at far too young an age And they never check to see my grades What a fool I'd be to start complaining now
What about taking this empty cup and filling it up With a little bit more of innocence I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young It's okay to be easily ignored I'd love to believe it's all about love for a child
The main art in the matter of spiritual living is to know how to handle yourself. You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself...You must turn on yourself, upbraid yourself, condemn yourself, exhort yourself, and say to yourself:"Hope thou in God" - instead of muttering in this depressed, unhappy way, and then you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and...what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do. Then having done that, end on this great note: defy yourself, and defy other people, and defy the devil and the whole world, and say with this man:"I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance, who is also the help of my countenance and my God."
Makes me want to scream Galatians 2:20.
John Piper, ladies and gentlemen, from his book 'When I don't desire God'.