Undated

Dear God,

Just for clarification, I am in no way praying for him. As in praying for me to be with him. I mean I do not see myself married in the next few years so being committed to anyone is not in my goal list right now. I don't know him, but I want to – just like the way it goes in the song. That's what I pray about right now, to know more about him, his life and how much You mean to him. To see if he is really worth praying for. To see if he really is worth my time and thoughts. You see, God, this is not healthy anymore, this whole 'crush'...thing. Father I know that everything will be alright, that you are already taking care of everything for me. He was in my dreams earlier and after that, I don't know. What I do know is that this is not the way it's supposed to be. Lord, I ask you to enable me to be normal at least. This is nothing of my control, and even if I had control over myself and this situation, it would still be me. Thoughts of him makes me weak, and only through you I can go on with my day. I don't want him to be the reason for my fall. Yes, God, I'm begging you to be my escape. And please take care of him. If he really is the one, Father, I ask that you would make him the perfect person to journey with me closer to you. If only my discipler and my cellgroup could read this, she would kill me. Or at least laugh to death just to put me to shame. Thank you Father that I am able to journey with my sisters in faith through this. Even if there won't be anything good that would come out of this, even if in the end it will be my heart that will be the casualty, you will be glorified that's for sure.

Here are 10 things that I hate about him:

1. I hate the way he plays his drums.

2. I hate the fact that he doesn't shave, doesn't get a haircut, doesn't look anything near Joseph Gordon-Levitt and still remain good-looking.

3. I hate it that he's the reason for my sleeping late at night. And the fact that I am writing this now is because I need to let this out just so I can sleep. I hate that as I lie sleeplessly on the bed, I can hear my own heartbeat. I hate that I have to listen to the whole Relient K/Switchfoot album while writing this entry ABOUT HIM.

4. I hate it that he's close to his family.

5. I hate that he likes music and movies and arts.

6. I hate it when I dream about him.

7. I hate that I don't know anything about him and that I wanted to.

8. I hate the fact that I notice him more than other people do.

9. I hate that I pray for him.

(Written somewhere in 2009. I miss Marcelo.)